Stuck in a moment

Band conflict is most often seen as a bad thing.  It demonstrates that there are competing views and differences of opinion.  This in and of itself is not the problem.  The way conflict is handled is where the problem lies.

Often there is a predictable course that rehearsals take when there is ongoing conflict in a band.  It begins with an unspoken agreement to avoid topics that cause tension.  Since collaboration is so crucial, the subject inevitably gets voiced.  Tension in the room rises and words are exchanged that have been said many times before.  The rehashing with no constructive resolution is so frustrating that one or more members storm out and the rehearsal ends.

For example, say a band of four members has two that have co-written a song.  The jamming is going well and then comes to a decision of whether to include a drum solo.  Good arguments are put forth for both cases, but everyone begins to feel the clash of personalities.  Neither artist can “lose” the debate because there is more at stake than the decision itself.  For each artist, there are issues of who “wins” that have roots in each of their individual histories.  There are also models of how these scenarios have played out in each of their lives (with parents, siblings, girlfriends/boyfriends, etc.).  When the conflict ends by simply separating, or setting the song aside to work on a different one, little is gained.

However, a lot can be gained by staying in the conflict and changing up the predictable pattern.  Maybe one of the two can decide to defer to the other’s opinion, when normally his style is a “fight to the death.”  Then, at a later more peaceful time, there could be a conversation about experiences of the past and how they creep into conflicts in the band.  Another change might be to pause the rehearsal to talk about the tension itself.  Everyone could be asked to talk about how the fights are affecting their feelings about being in the band.  This likely will lead some members to refer to difficult past experiences (whether or not they choose to speak in specifics).

These ideas of handling conflict in new ways take a certain amount of courage and kindness and are not easy to enact.  But taking the less predictable path leads to fresh discovery interpersonally and artistically.  And, knowing your fellow band members better will also help you play together better!

Travis’ words

Great to read Travis Barker’s own words(from his MySpace blog):

I want to give my deepest thanks to everyone who has helped deal with the current situation. First and foremost, Chris and Che were my friends. I would give up anything to have them here with us today, healthy and happy. To call them my employees does them such a disservice, as they were so much more than that. Chris was my best friend before anything else, and I can never put into words how much he will be missed. Che was an amazing person as well, and I was honored to have him in my life.

I am simply amazed and will be forever grateful for all the support everyone has shown to Chris and Che’s families. Its a testament to how many lives they touched in a positive way.

Like the doctors said from the beginning, its been a slow recovery process. I am coming up on the 7th of my surgeries Monday. Today I finally was able to move all my fingers on my right hand. Every step seems huge at this point, and Im doing EVERYTHING I can possibly do to get back to my kids. Yes, I did start eating meat again, but if it helps me to be home holding my little humans sooner, then its all worth it.

I got to see AM the other day. Seeing him after he was discharged was an inspiration. I saw just how awesome the doctors’ work here is, and got to see how well he is doing. I am so happy to see him doing well, and we are both so lucky and grateful that we are alive today.

Now Im just counting the days until I can leave. I cant wait to get home to play drums with my son, and go for bike rides with my daughter. I cant wait to see the pictures from Landon’s “Jack and Sally Nightmare Before Christmas” birthday party that we had for him today. I am bummed that I couldn’t be there, but thank God Ill be around to see many, many more.

Thank you everyone for your support!

I posted a brief comment to his blog and was struck by the hundreds of comments pouring in.  This is just a fraction of the people that Travis has in some way touched.

There is more I could write but everything pales in light of such quintessential gratitude for life while bearing such profound loss.

Connections

Many of you have heard by now about the Learjet carrying six people that crashed in Columbia, South Carolina this past Friday night.  Four people were killed and the two survivors recovering in a burn center in Augusta, Georgia are Travis Barker and DJ AM.  Here’s a link to the latest news of their condition: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0055003/news#ni0570275 .  According to this source, the two are “expected to fully recover from this horrific event.”

I’ve written before about the way music connects emotion, memory, artist, and fan (see previous blogs “Someone saved my life tonight” and “Musician, heal thyself”).  Today I am further considering the complexity of these associations.

This tragic event has changed the way I will listen to Blink 182 and subsequent projects that drummer Travis Barker has been involved with.  As someone who has enjoyed and appreciated his art, I already feel a kind of connection with him.  When I hear him, I celebrate life–keeping the beat with him, thinking about where I was when I first heard the song and then thinking about the wild ride to where I am today.  Now, I will also be thinking of the horror of what he has survived, wishing I could know how he is, and wishing I could do something to help him.

That’s it . . .

Thoughts on bands and grief and loss

I’ve been thinking of the Dave Matthews Band a lot the last couple of weeks.  They lost their saxophone player (founding member, arranger and co-writer LeRoi Moore) to complications following an ATV accident last June.  To lose a member of the band and continue on without them is very difficult.  Every rehearsal, every concert, every song is a constant reminder of them.

The grieving process is a long one.  The key to moving through it is to stay open to all the possible levels of the grief.  Each will experience these in different measures of time and intensity.  There may be anger, sadness, guilt, and regret.  A critical element of support is to accept one another’s emotions without judgment.  There is not one best or right way to get through, except to remain open to feel.

The most painful, yet most present way to live is finding your own way to celebrate that person’s life with gratitude for being a part of it while the deep emotions of grief are ready to surface at any moment.  The tension between remembering and stepping forward into the future will weigh upon the members of the band for many months, even years.  Your lives ahead will be an endeavor to do both.

Listening to you

Beyond the endeavor to create a song, what is it that compels a musician to want to play it for others?

There is a rich mutuality between the performer and the audience. The musician is offering an experience. The audience wants to respond and interact with the experience. The moment of connection between the two can be marvelous, even mystical.

From my background working with musicians, as well as being one myself, I find a kind of paradox at work. The outward performance–the leadership, confidence, and strength–often springs from a place of deep introspection and self-doubt. The writing and performing come, not only from a knowledge of one’s talent, but from an at times oppressive desire to fill a space they have. I have had musicians tell me that they do what they do, not simply because they want to, but that they need to, and thus will suffer and sacrifice to pursue their art. There is a driving energy that fuels the courage it takes to perform and to bear being critiqued as well as appreciated.

My hope is for musicians to have, not necessarily less introspection, but less self-contempt or doubt–that their energy will more and more come from being amazed at their own life journey and at the privilege of inviting people to marvelous, mystical moments.